No Fist Beat, Only Heart Beats

The past 16 days, an international outcry from women, emerging in unison as activists against gender-based violence.

This specifically, for me, is a very sore and also a victorious part in my life, as I used to relive these hurtful events during my lucid and dream state, majority of the years of my existence.

The victorious fraction of my life happened when I was able and capable of realizing that enough of too much has overstayed it’s welcome. Being a victim of psychological, physical and sexual abuse gave the perpetrators so much control over every inch of me; and being afraid of their assured behaviour was convincing enough for them and myself, that I would never have the guts to leave.

I was too afraid of being ashamed, living in fear of judgement and that people might accuse me of lying. Then there were times that I threatened and sometimes practically halfway out of the door and then,  instantaneously, “sorry”, “I can’t live without you” and “I love you” rolled from their lips. Together with these words came repercussions.

They would begin treating me with respect and care, even if it only lasted for a little while. I was “sure” that I loved the abuser and would not be able to love anyone else the same. Manipulation was the most prominent act, combined with tearing my self-esteem to pieces, this is where the psychological abuse would take it’s throne and made me question and doubt my own feelings and thoughts.

The retaliation that I feared and endured the most, was that “Today might just be my last day that I am alive.” When I reached this pinnacle, I gathered my strength, I asked God to keep me safe and protect me; and if this will be my last time my eyes are open, then let it be.

I served a more powerful source, even though my faith and belief was almost translucent, deep in my heart my trust was still there. He did not and has never forsaken me, even though it felt like I was all alone and lost. I could not let a mere mortal dictate my entire life to me and there was no authority given from the Man who gave me life, to do so.

Once I got out, I felt liberated, although my nightmares haunted me night after night……I WAS FINALLY FREE…..I WAS ALIVE……..My eyes were open for the first time in my life and I wanted to live.

I never realized, before reaching this point, that day in and day out I was signing my own death warrant and I was no longer considered a victim, but a volunteer to the unspeakable and accepted countenance of the numerous vicious abuse I relived.

Today, I stand powerful, victorious and unrivalled by my, and other perpetrators.

I choose to liberate and empower other women with my story, to say to them…………..

“It is never too late”

“You are not alone”

“You are worth more than his “love” in his fists

“Your life is precious and cannot be compared to judgement”

“Love yourself enough to leave”

“Live to tell your story and teach others with it

“Wear your scars like armor”

#HMHY #HelpMeHelpYou #WHP #WomensWordsHavePower #FFF #FistFreeFight #FFH #FirstFreeHeartBeat #16DaysActivism #AgainstGenderBasedViolence

“Scars are triumphantly our beauty”

– Monique Williams

Limited Edition

Today is a special entry into my blog, celebrating another year of so many blessings, so many disappointments, so many challenges, opportunities, unhappy moments, elating moments and yet, all that was God’s plan to lead me to my greatest victories and the promises he has in store for me.

This morning, as I was having the delicious breakfast my husband prepared for me, I reflected back on my life’s path; and the women’s event that took place this weekend popped into my head straight after. At that time God said to me, “this is what I wanted you to do, this is how I wanted you to serve me, well done, you make Me proud.”

I arrived at the venue this weekend where the event took place; and I was welcomed with open arms, with such warmth, love, compassion, a sincere welcome from Vongani Hlaise, who is the founder and director of “Lady in Heels”. I felt refilled and revived when her entire family welcomed me like I was their sister. I was bathing in acceptance without having to work for it, that is when I knew once again, that my footsteps was directed by Him. I walked in authority, in favor of what the Lord wanted me to accomplish and I felt blessed to share my story with these ladies.

Today, I celebrate my 34th Birthday and I realized that my blessings run deeper than what is on the surface, my blessings run deeper than what I “normally” think. I received insurmountable calls from family, more so than I did last year; and God gave me a message with that, He said, “You see the blessings without even looking for the blessings.”

I am blessed with a husband who loves me, that woke up at 4:30am this morning to make me breakfast in bed, with children who promised to buy me a fidget spinner for my birthday, although I didn’t ask for it, with a step grandmother and her children who love me, with a mother-in-law and her sisters who adore more, with a brother who sent me a “please call me” to let me know I need to call him so he can wish me and that he didn’t forget, with cousins who care for me like no other, with aunts who convey how proud they are of me and what an encouragement I am to my cousins, with people I have met in all walks of life to let me know that this special day is remembered.

This is the reason why I boast in this day, because this is the day that the Lord has made.

No matter how “un”- present certain things are that you hope for, it simply does not mean it is not there if you do not see it or experience it, for my God gave me a profound message today….

He said, “You have to believe it before you see it!”

The thanks and love in my heart for all those who has routed me on in silence, your blessings have been received.