She gave me more than just meaning

I hate ending a post on a negative note, it allows too much dark feelings and even though that is essentially what it felt like, I always found reason to have that little bit of hope and faith inside of me. A voice screaming inside my soul, and for some or other reason I knew God had something much bigger and greater in store for me.

My love and dedication towards and for my daughter, had superseded my depression far beyond my imagination and even though I had harsh feelings towards her dad, I never let it get in the way of him seeing his daughter. That was not a relationship I intentionally wanted to tarnish as I knew what it was to grow up without a dad, whether it was out of my control or not, the repercussions thereof would cause much more damage than I could fathom at the time.

As I mentioned, Shay-Leigh was a colic baby, but there was this one song of Tamia that I always use to sing and loved, she grew to love it too. Every time I would sing this song, she would just stare at me with those big blue eyes and I could feel myself developing a silly grin on my face just looking at her.

It was as if I could see the endless of ocean of hope in those blue eyes. I felt no regret about how my life had transpired then, I knew my actions caused a hindrance, but no regret.

My hustle started back then, I started selling drugs (Crystal Meth aka Tik) in Blackheath to ensure my daughter had her daily milk, diapers and any additional needs I had to see to. Where did I get the money? I borrowed it from someone and paid it back in full within 3 days.

My cash at hand by the end of the week would total to R2500 per week, as I started out small. From there business grew, my weekly cash total would be anything between R4000 – R5500, people got greedy for drugs and my family members started taking advantage of the fact that drugs was flowing freely and felt entitled to me providing them with it, without paying of course.

From here, things got out of hand and I saw how it started swallowing them whole, right in front of me.

Even though I was selling the drugs, I refused to touch it, as I knew it would escalate to something I know I would never have control over, considering my past.

My past quickly became my future.