She gave me more than just meaning

I hate ending a post on a negative note, it allows too much dark feelings and even though that is essentially what it felt like, I always found reason to have that little bit of hope and faith inside of me. A voice screaming inside my soul, and for some or other reason I knew God had something much bigger and greater in store for me.

My love and dedication towards and for my daughter, had superseded my depression far beyond my imagination and even though I had harsh feelings towards her dad, I never let it get in the way of him seeing his daughter. That was not a relationship I intentionally wanted to tarnish as I knew what it was to grow up without a dad, whether it was out of my control or not, the repercussions thereof would cause much more damage than I could fathom at the time.

As I mentioned, Shay-Leigh was a colic baby, but there was this one song of Tamia that I always use to sing and loved, she grew to love it too. Every time I would sing this song, she would just stare at me with those big blue eyes and I could feel myself developing a silly grin on my face just looking at her.

It was as if I could see the endless of ocean of hope in those blue eyes. I felt no regret about how my life had transpired then, I knew my actions caused a hindrance, but no regret.

My hustle started back then, I started selling drugs (Crystal Meth aka Tik) in Blackheath to ensure my daughter had her daily milk, diapers and any additional needs I had to see to. Where did I get the money? I borrowed it from someone and paid it back in full within 3 days.

My cash at hand by the end of the week would total to R2500 per week, as I started out small. From there business grew, my weekly cash total would be anything between R4000 – R5500, people got greedy for drugs and my family members started taking advantage of the fact that drugs was flowing freely and felt entitled to me providing them with it, without paying of course.

From here, things got out of hand and I saw how it started swallowing them whole, right in front of me.

Even though I was selling the drugs, I refused to touch it, as I knew it would escalate to something I know I would never have control over, considering my past.

My past quickly became my future.

 

The Present in her Presence

I was discharged from Tygerberg Hospital 2 days after I gave birth to my blue eyed princess.

I was quite angered in my heart as I had to take a taxi home from Tygerberg Hospital to our home in Blackheath. I at least expected a family member to collect us from hospital and take us home. We had no support structure from any family or friends and I felt alone and abandoned. I remembered something my dad told me, “don’t expect anything from anyone, that way you avoid disappointment.” Seemed as if I was a sucker for it every single time, not sure if I was a sucker for expectation or the disappointment.

I informed Christo, Shay-Leigh’s dad, that I gave birth to a baby girl and what her name was. I never heard back from him until a few weeks after her birth. Christo and his mom rocked up at our place one Saturday afternoon. His mom conveys how disappointed her son was about not being involved in the choosing of our daughter’s name. In my head I asked myself “why?”

Christo had no interest in our daughter from the time I told him I am pregnant, why would I give him the privilege of naming her.

I allowed him to have a relationship with her from the time she was born as being vindictive about keeping his daughter away from him was not my nature. The little that I received from him to feed and diaper our daughter was not even enough to last a week.

He would visit Shay-Leigh every 3 months, so in between I had to hustle to clothe, feed and diaper our daughter. Alone was an understatement about how I actually felt. Being a single 20 year old first time mother was hard and I received no assistance from mine.

Shay-Leigh became a colic baby when she was 3 months old. She would cry whole night from 6pm in the evening to 6am the next morning and even though my mother was there, she would not take Shay-Leigh from me, she wouldn’t help with anything.

I became depressed, cried all the time and my mother avoided interacting with us like the plague.

I suffered from postnatal depression where there were times Shay-Leigh would cry non-stop and I would feel this agitation, so much so, I felt like hurting her because she wouldn’t stop crying. I felt anxious, hopeless, tired, no appetite and guilt, day in and day out. It was such an overwhelming feeling that I would sometimes think about hurting myself. I never acted on any of this even though the feeling was so strong, I believe that God helped through it somehow.

I only found out later on, when Shay-Leigh was over a year old that I was suffering from postnatal depression and because of my mother’s disinterest, she never saw the signs.

Through one of the most difficult time in my life, God saw me through so many times and I was blinded to not see it.

His grace, mercy and faithfulness made me see that He was and is always enough for me.