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From the Author’s heart

My earliest memory as a child was when my mom and dad said their “I do’s”. I profoundly remember the kiss, I was a year old. My dad’s late sister blinded me by placing her hand over my eyes. As we all know in that day and age we weren’t allowed to see any kind of love sharing methods.

My actual focus, content and purpose behind this blog is to vocalize all the “present” belonging, love, support, happiness, family and health spiralling into the “un”- present(absence) of every feeling, expectancy and state I previously mentioned.

From a healthy, privileged, academic and happy teenager into a single adolescent mom and drug stricken addict.

This will be my first entry into my blog, which will encompass everything from my teenage years to adulthood. No sugar, no spice and nothing nice even though I would love to give you words of inspiration or motivation, however this blog is almost captured in “real-time”, me remembering every pain staking memory, besides no two people walk the same life, no two people come from the same dynamics. We might end up in the same place, but we have never walked the same path, similar but not the same.

The end in mind for this blog is to reveal my truth, my life and drug addiction at its worst.

I have since relocated, met someone, had 2 boys after my daughter, became an Analyst, been baptized and got married.

Story of my life, this is my testimony

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The Rest of Our Lives

On the 14th February 2018, my husband and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary. Through those 2 years, we had moments of insanity, emotional distance, silent treatment, lying in two separate bedrooms, angered words and discontent. Together with those emotions, thoughts and actions, deep down we still loved one another, we shared deep memories, kids and a love deep down in our souls that was inexplicable.

I decided on January 31st, 2016 that I was ready to accept the Lord into my life as my personal Saviour. My baptism took place on the 7th February 2016, one week before our wedding day. Just as my baptism, our wedding was not planned either, which I was okay with as my vows to my husband and his vows to me was a commitment we were going to make before God. We never got to make any wedding speeches/vows to one another on our wedding day, so here it goes:

To Rory:

“I never knew when I met you that we will be spending the rest of our lives together. Today marks a huge mile stone in our lives where the two of us are bonded forever. I thank God every day for blessing your parents, myself and the kids with someone so amazing, loving, caring and humorous.

Our journey together thus far has been quite adventurous, puzzling at times, we had missing pieces, puzzle pieces that just sometimes did not fit, but I’ve always known deep down in my heart that as we mould those pieces and keep trying it would eventually create a masterpiece of art worth struggling for.

We’ve worked very hard to build this relationship/friendship over the past 10 years to where it is now and I want to thank you for sticking by me through the turmoil’s, thanks to those that have supported us, given guidance and that have routed us on.

Rory, today I married the missing puzzle piece of me which is you…….I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

We are now one and my infamous words to you will forever be “I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART”

I pray that we have a fruitful, prosperous and amazing marriage.

From my dad to me and from me to you I want to say: “I LOVE YOU MORE THAN THE GRAINS OF SAND IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AND I WILL FOREVER LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL THE STARS IN THE ENTIRE GALAXY”

My vows to Rory:

“I take you to be my partner for life

I promise above all else to live in truth with you

And to communicate fully and fearlessly

I give you my hand and my heart

As a sanctuary of warmth and peace

And pledge my love, devotion, faith and honour.

I will love you for the rest of my days

as I join my life to yours and we join our life to God.”

Here’s to many more adventurous anniversaries ahead

 

 

Rape, Power & No Consent

Amongst my irresponsible drinking and drugging habits, there were irresponsible repercussions prone to happen and fearlessly lurking in the shadows.

One night a friend and I decided to go clubbing with guys we met the previous weekend at Club Libro……just for the fun of it. That night we decided to go to Valerie’s in Kuils River, consuming so much alcohol that I could not even’s remember the pin to my bank card. She was still sober enough to look after me and besides, that was always our pact, that if one or the other get’s too drunk, the other one will remain sober enough to look after both of us. I was hoping to meet Shay-Leigh’s dad there, but to no avail.

Eventually, when our 3 shots of tequila for R10 night was over, we headed to Mr. Burger for a Gatsby. I was ill out of my mind, puking while we were driving and even once we stopped at Mr. Burger.

Much relief when I got home, but also very stubborn as I did not want anyone to open the lock on the gate to get to my room’s sliding door. I struggled for almost 30min before my mom decided to come to the door.

I remember those words of disgust as my mom uttered…….”kyk hoe lyk die t!3f”. At that moment it was quite humorous actually as everyone stood looking at me laying against the wall as I was unable to move without stumbling.

As I crawled down the passage, my friend made sure I get to my bedroom and into my bed and in my drunkenness, I explained to her where the bucket was, just in case I get sick, as at that time my entire bedroom(head) was spinning.

Eventually, I fell asleep.

About 3 hours passed and guess who rocks up……….Shay-Leigh’s dad and I was still suffering from partial alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Apparently and according to my mom he smacked me across my face so hard and because of my condition, I did not feel a single thing. And NO, my mom did not do a single thing when this happened.

To their disappointment, I did not react and went back to sleep. In my confusion, I heard quite a few female voices, but was not bothered as I was not in a frame of mind to “introduce” myself, even so, I’m sure he brought his side piece along. Naivety was my blindfold, oblivious to the womanising treatment I was receiving.

An hour after I went back to sleep, someone came to lie behind me on my bed. My assumption was that it was Shay-Leigh’s father. Not fighting off the person behind me, he continues to try and remove my pants and underwear. I did not have the physical strength to fight, as I could hardly lift my head from my pillow.

Taking advantage of his advantage, this man rapes me in my own home and in my own bed, me realising what was taking place, left me almost paralyzed. Eventually, when everyone else realised that this man was missing from their company, then only did they look for him, by that time, the horrid act already took place.

The biggest and most disgusting surprise was that it was Shay-Leigh’s dad’s uncle who raped me. As young, naïve and stupid as I was, I was hoping my mom would take me to the police station to lay a charge against this sick man, instead, she ran me a warm bath and made me clean myself with Dettol!!!!!??????????

I’ve never told anyone this story and have never turned back to hunt my demons, however, lately it has been hunting me, day after day, night after night. It has been haunting me for the past few months, so much so, that I become paranoid for my 14 year old daughter, as I would never forgive myself if I allow something like that to happen to her.

I lay my hand and pray for my children everyday, protecting them under the Blood of Christ, that they will never experience torment and torture the way I have.

Revolution to Resolute Resolutions

As we all start 2018 with new perspectives, aspirations and new outlook on how to improve the person we are and also the person we are towards others, this is but a few of the “New Year Resolutions.”

We kick off on a new slate, after our self reflection and responsibility as individuals in refining our character.

New Year’s Resolution are 3 words some people dread hearing and most times fail to accomplish in honoring their promise.

The vital concept that is “un”-present, and the verity that you need to grasp is that you should not vow to resolutions to impress others; and the commitment of the resolutions is to enhance yourself, hence this promise has to be made to yourself and the judgement of others should not take presedence over the fulfillment that you experience when you are “true to you.” You add more value to “you” when you are able to augment the encompassed characteristics that makes you “you.” You automatically evolve and grow into becoming a better “you” for you and for others.

This also gives people an idea and added substance to who you are, in terms of morals, ethics and most importantly the integrity that flourishes from that. Most times we accept the things people do to us and brush most things off with “as long as I am not like that” comfort words. The wake up call is that, if you do not nip it in the bud, people will continue to treat you with eg. disrespect and you slowly but surely become a “walk over.”

So, what if your resolution for the new year is to live a healthier lifestyle? Well, the simple and most times evaded question before making resolution is WHY? Why have you chosen to live a healthier lifestyle/ ridding yourself from bad relationships/ more amicable family get together’s/ working on your marriage/ becoming a more effective and present parent or to become a more decisive person when people mistreat you.

Next question is, HOW will this benefit you and others? And; WHAT is the end in mind by making these resolutions?

A saying that breaks it down is, “You need to crawl before you can walk and you need to walk before you can run.”

Small changes are more effective than the elephant you confront yourself with, time after time. Try and write down your resolutions on a daily basis. Make failure difficult to opt for and there should be a very strong WHY behind the commitment. Once this behavior becomes second nature, it will be much easier to commit and follow through.

Measure your progress by self reflecting and get input from people who want the best for you. Be patient, we cannot change in the flip of a switch, we are just not programmed that way and change is more challenging for some.

Some thing is better than nothing. You have taken the first step to enhancing “you.”

And, last but not least…..GET UP WHEN YOU SLIP UP! This creates perseverance and contains a process of elimination. If the method you have used does not work, try something else and get an objective opinion from your loved ones.

DO NOT SHARE YOUR RESOLUTION WITH EVERYBODY! This is our mistake, innocently so. We perceive that everyone has our best interest at heart, but let’s face the “ugly truth,” this is most certainly not always the case. Some people grab their popcorn and switch on their TV and cannot wait for that moment when we miserably fail to achieve the one thing our heart desires. “The tongue is mightier than the sword.” People’s words will hurt us and the ripple effect thereof has a widespread repercussion, especially when you are trying to implement the practice within your children.

Discouraging Words of other’s curses the fruit of your Loins.

We as parents strive to give our children a bright and happy future and our blood sweat and tears cannot be in someone else’s hands.

Lastly and most importantly, protect your dreams and goals with prayer as this serves as an armour no mortal can deteriorate.

Instill this values in your children, to always persevere, having faith and belief in their abilities and even inabilities, to not opt for failure as an easy way out. This will make them confident and accept certain objectives that they are not equipped to achieve. This creates a trait to try and try and try anyway.

Being comfortable with who they are is the goal in mind. This can only happen if we too practice this, being an adult is not the exception to the rule and we are guilty of this information we portray and even verbalise to our children.

Acceptance, enhancing who you are where you feel it’s needed and the role model you want to be to “Generation Next” is your elephant; and can only be overcome when “you are true to you.”

No Fist Beat, Only Heart Beats

The past 16 days, an international outcry from women, emerging in unison as activists against gender-based violence.

This specifically, for me, is a very sore and also a victorious part in my life, as I used to relive these hurtful events during my lucid and dream state, majority of the years of my existence.

The victorious fraction of my life happened when I was able and capable of realizing that enough of too much has overstayed it’s welcome. Being a victim of psychological, physical and sexual abuse gave the perpetrators so much control over every inch of me; and being afraid of their assured behaviour was convincing enough for them and myself, that I would never have the guts to leave.

I was too afraid of being ashamed, living in fear of judgement and that people might accuse me of lying. Then there were times that I threatened and sometimes practically halfway out of the door and then,  instantaneously, “sorry”, “I can’t live without you” and “I love you” rolled from their lips. Together with these words came repercussions.

They would begin treating me with respect and care, even if it only lasted for a little while. I was “sure” that I loved the abuser and would not be able to love anyone else the same. Manipulation was the most prominent act, combined with tearing my self-esteem to pieces, this is where the psychological abuse would take it’s throne and made me question and doubt my own feelings and thoughts.

The retaliation that I feared and endured the most, was that “Today might just be my last day that I am alive.” When I reached this pinnacle, I gathered my strength, I asked God to keep me safe and protect me; and if this will be my last time my eyes are open, then let it be.

I served a more powerful source, even though my faith and belief was almost translucent, deep in my heart my trust was still there. He did not and has never forsaken me, even though it felt like I was all alone and lost. I could not let a mere mortal dictate my entire life to me and there was no authority given from the Man who gave me life, to do so.

Once I got out, I felt liberated, although my nightmares haunted me night after night……I WAS FINALLY FREE…..I WAS ALIVE……..My eyes were open for the first time in my life and I wanted to live.

I never realized, before reaching this point, that day in and day out I was signing my own death warrant and I was no longer considered a victim, but a volunteer to the unspeakable and accepted countenance of the numerous vicious abuse I relived.

Today, I stand powerful, victorious and unrivalled by my, and other perpetrators.

I choose to liberate and empower other women with my story, to say to them…………..

“It is never too late”

“You are not alone”

“You are worth more than his “love” in his fists

“Your life is precious and cannot be compared to judgement”

“Love yourself enough to leave”

“Live to tell your story and teach others with it

“Wear your scars like armor”

#HMHY #HelpMeHelpYou #WHP #WomensWordsHavePower #FFF #FistFreeFight #FFH #FirstFreeHeartBeat #16DaysActivism #AgainstGenderBasedViolence

“Scars are triumphantly our beauty”

– Monique Williams

Drug the Edge of Heartbreak

A few months before the “un”-happy ending, I met a couple of guys, friends of my mom, in Gordan’s Bay. It was on the 18th November 2002, a day before I wrote my matric year’s final Geography paper.

This very profound night, was an engraving into everything, from the alcoholic drink I chose to who I decided to get involved with. As much as I refrained from my drug inhibited “Bermuda Triangle,” I automatically attracted the same kind of triangle wherever I pretended to escape to.

I subconsciously hunted the “thrill,”or any environment which encompassed my sad, yet wanted reality. “Living life on the edge” is an understatement for the “edge” I was seeking.

After my break up with you know who, I had to “explore” and challenge myself to a more daring choices, unsuccessfully, my failed attempt to repair my heart was just a visard, pretending that it was never damaged.

My weekends of continuous partying and recreational drugs lengthened. Nights became 24 hour days, days became weeks of no sleep, over compensating for the odd days on which I decided to rest.

Rum, beers and ecstasy was in overflow of supply. From one night club to the next, always ended with meeting up with my “edge.” We would meet at Valerie’s in Kuils River, majority of the time and always ended up at my house, wherever we are living at the time (Gypsy Kings).

Stopping off at “Little House on the Prairie” aka Prairies, in Kuils River for alcohol (obvious to those who know this place) to continue the unfulfilled drunk and lucid feeling.

As little thought was being applied to the repercussions of what I presumed was “innocent,” there was even less thought given to the “ugly truth” that I have mislead myself ending with me chasing the wrong “destiny.”

Abandonment and neglect was the two prominent emotions that I did not want to endure, yet I was doing exactly that, to myself. People’s acceptance of me was my ultimate focus, yet I was unable to accept who “I” was (does this sound familiar???).

That, for me, was the epiphany of a “lost soul,” not knowing left from right, “un”-present thought stability, impulsive and dead end self convincing decisions, realising that my concocted “reality” was only that because it was created, accepted and attracted, by “me.”

A truth I needed to admit and face, an “un”-predictable and “un”-planned course detour I reared to when “too late” was almost too late.

A gyration of “un”-expected and “un”-foreseen events, throwing showers of “spanners in the works,” leaving a doubtful, inexperienced and terrified adolescent.

At the time I was in a relationship with my daughter, Shay-Leigh’s dad. Whether or not I should classify it as a relationship is and was “un”-official. I lead myself to believe that it was a “relationship” even though I knew it was not, if you know what I mean. I would see him every other weekend, along with the 15 other clan members.

It was fun, “un”-baggaging any depressed and morbid emotions, enjoying the present moment with the “un”-present feelings. Laughter, pranks, annoying, teasing and drinking was the optical illusion created to conceal the unknown “skeletons in the closet.”

  • I did not take cognisance of the scientifically proven theory, “for every action there is a reaction,” after all my conceptual thinking patterns convinced me that I was invincible.

The truth was, that I was in actual fact, “INVISIBLE.”

The Broken Mirror

There is a saying that goes something like this:

“It is easier to build confident children than to repair broken adults.”

How profound and blatantly honest are those words and it can become such an expensive lesson that some of us will come to learn and experience way too late.

So, just recently I have gone and still going through some challenges in my marriage, which had me in a moment of suicide on two occasions, which lead me to a decision to move out…..this was supposed to happen yesterday. And, no I do not feel that uou shoukd remain in a relationship if you have suicidal thoughts. I, on the other hand do think that my emotions are mostly linked to my mom practically abandoning my brothers and I at a very young age, also the emotional manipulation which became a very dominant contributing factor to my fear of neglection rejection.

Rethinking this logically and practically, it would not make sense, for the obvious reason that it would cost me my family, tearing the kids apart psychologically and emotionally and the resentment factor that would come from both my husband and I.

I have come to the realization (yes, after mannnnnyy years) that my silence is costing me enjoying my life, my stance on matters and most importantly my true self, not to mention my espousal, my commitment to the man I vowed that I would “ride or die.” Somehow, my wake up call only wakes me when it gets to that crucial stage (well, that is how I go about dealing with confrontation or antagonism….not sure about everyone else).

Something between myself and my husband was just not “clicking.” It was not always this way, but I will reveal those details in a future blog post.

Continuous fights regarding insignificant things, to me; and much more significant to him. The worst part is that I have been struggling to communicate with him; and this has been the case for years. So here is my question…….Is it only me?

Our fights, ok, maybe I shouldn’t say “our” fights, as he is always very vocal and direct, where I, on the other hand……I withdraw myself from everything, emotionally, mentally and physically; and then……. I manifest complete silence. This is no intentional disrespect towards him, or that I don’t feel anything for him (well that would be impossible, we are married). It is more of a defence mechanism, I shut down, remain silent (no it’s not the “silent treatment”), but more me trying to avoid saying some things out of anger. I despise hurting people’s feelings and prefer keeping the peace.

My emotional outcome of the argument are normally tears, as him, being dominantly vocal, he says hurtful things out of anger (no, that is no excuse to say hurtful things); and I have almost come to accept it, that it is just the way he is, which I should never have done from the beginning.

So let’s use ridicule as an example:

If this is the base of the argument, I start thinking, “he doesn’t love me anymore, he always finds fault with everything I do, why is he always “lecturing” me if things are not done like he wants it?”….you catch my drift?! So what are the “side effects” of this? I automatically (once I have calmed down) start thinking that there is something wrong with me, that it’s my fault and start questioning my intellect (see where I’m coming from? Childhood trauma).

His persona is as dominant and intimidating as my dad’s and I start to feel like it is a “lecture”. Me, being the child of course, with my face soaked in tears and him verbalising his thoughts with a very stern and aggressive tone. This has also been done for years, so even after he changed his approach and started speaking to me more subtly, there was and is still no verbal response from me, because of the treatment from the beginning.

I do believe that no matter the situation, good or bad, the parties involved in the situation has a hand in what transpires from it. Whether your hand in it was only 0,0005%, the crucial point is that you have contributed to the situation, so take responsibility for it.

The expectations we have from the other party, is exactly that, “an expectation”; and the onus will lie with the other party as to whether or not they want to fulfil that expectation; and the same would go for you. We hardly ever embrace the, “what if the tables were turned” question, but when you are asking that question, you expect that person to respond unbiasedly……you know where I am going with this.

My post is about Emotional abuse and Projection of childhood trauma. However, opposite genders, sometimes don’t realise that they are doing it and it will not hurt to bring to light the very thing, we, as women literally lose our minds about. It is normally because the person was raised in a similar environment or exposed to it.

Know this, IT IS NOT YOU!

I have actually come to learn a few things, doing more in depth research on “why men come from Mars and women from Venus.” We are always speaking passed one another, our thought processes are from completely different planets (clearly). If I had to suggest to my husband, “let’s go for a walk”…….To me it means, let’s spend some time together, hold hands, get some ice-cream and sit on a park bench. To him it simply means, “let’s go for a walk.” However, he would not pose it as a question and instead make a statement, saying ……..“I’m going for a walk.” I would automatically start thinking, “why isn’t he asking me to join him? Does he not enjoy spending time with me? I always ask him!? Did I do something wrong? Is he just trying to get away from me?” (Probably the reason why most men think we are psychos – blame it on the emotions – we link emotion first before anything else, where males link emotions last).

The answer is actually very obvious and also not very obvious: Gender

There is unfortunately no cure for the “un”- present “couples language.” It is the way it is because of how different male children are raised compared to female children. Cultural upbringing, from the time you are an infant to adulthood plays a very profound role in shaping our brains and most predominantly, shaping it in a gendered way. One of God’s sprinkled individuality dust 🙂 Why do I say this? Opposite gender babies brains are identical (depending on whether the mother consumed alcohol, recreational drugs etc..) However, as the opposite genders grow older, their brains are altered based on the gender, as they learn pattern of behaviour that engenders them acceptable males and females.

Did you know?

  • Mother’s talk more to their new-born daughters than their new-born sons
  • Female children are more likely to seek connection and experience emotion because of the above where,
  • Males on the other hand seek factual events, past experiences and then only will they evaluate the emotions that come along with the event
  • Cultural upbringing has a huge impact on the fact that men are driven by status, competition, power, independence where,
  • Women are more likely to characterize intimacy, sharing personal information (irrefutably, birth stories is always the topic of discussion), friendship, sameness…..the list is endless

So what are we as men and women doing wrong? Simple………

We avoid obtaining and learning about what doesn’t correspond with our gender

and then what happens?

Men slip into “Mars” and Women into “Venus” (literally and figuratively)

Opposite genders have been raised with different motivation of connection and status, therefore opposite sexes interpret the exact same event or situation completely differently. This is because of the lack of knowledge and realization; and also a massive contributor towards the opposite sexes passing judgement on one another, purely based on their own gender standards.

This, however, is not grounds for being hurt and scarred. If your partner is open and accepting of going to counselling with you to work through and resolve the demon that irks you, then your marriage is already on the road of recovery.

My husband and I did not go through the pre-marriage counselling, which I regret. This is vital, especially when making a life long commitment before God……Try before giving up. Vows is an oath, a promise you make before God and one another. Make sure your “better or for worse” is precisely that.

(If your partner is not willing to attend counselling with you for emotional abuse, then there is no point in remaining in the relationship)

(Please do not remain in a physical or sexual abusive relationship. You become a volunteer to the abuse after the first time he/she violates you)

“We all have our scars that are triumphantly the beauty we try to hide” – Monique Williams

The “Blurred Normal”

How many of you are in a psychological abusive relationship? Where you find yourself questioning whether you are the one at fault?

How many of us are sitting there considering the amount emotional trauma as our “blurred normal?”

Women for many years, including myself, who are over-sensitive and cry easily because we are hurt easily, blame themselves for their failing marriages or relationships.

I am going to say one word to you, STOP! For many years I was blinded by my love for a person and the ugly truth was so apparent, yet I chose to ignore it. The after effects thereof has left me insecure, questioning myself and my intelligence and reassessing the actual acceptance of who I am. I am by nature a loud, humorous, caring and helpful person, yet my emotional abuser has turned me into a withdrawn and isolated adult.

I have caused my daughter to suffer the same demise and it is my fault. I allowed her to grow up in an environment where she saw it happening with me and subtly it has been done to her too. Many of her personality traits depicts me, as if she were my twin. She constantly has to hear she is just like me, with a negative connotation attached to it; and who do you think she becomes? Adopting the insecurity, emotional, anxious and depressive persona.

Have any of you heard of the “Cinderella Law” implemented in the UK in 2014? The new law would make it a crime to deliberately harm a child’s ‘intellectual, emotional, social or behavioural development’ and sits alongside the physical or sexual abuse of children.

For women and young female children to take a stand in this day and age, considering the brutal murders and abuse of babies, toddlers, children, teenagers, adolescents and adults is so deeply rooted in my heart and soul, as too little attention and focus is shown in this area.

Did you know?

  • Women who suffer from low self-esteem and insecurities are least likely to request an increase at work.
  • Women are also least likely to ask for a promotion because their self-worth is questioned by themselves
  • Women have a complex about their intelligence because of emotional abuse.

Signs of emotional abuse in a child:

  • Being fearful of a parent
  • Saying they hate the parent
  • Talking badly about themselves (“I’m stupid”)
  • Seeming emotionally immature when compared to peers
  • Exhibiting sudden changes in speech, such as stuttering
  • Experiencing sudden change in behaviour, such as doing poorly in school

I suffered emotional abuse from a young age. As much as I loved my dad, he instilled fear, resentment and left me questioning my intellect. We, as women tend to go for men who have similarities to our paternal parent.

We will uncover so many things and truths why us, women tend to put ourselves last and suffer in silence, oblivious to the in depth and permanent scars we endure including the damage it engraves in our daughters.

To be continued………..