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From the Author’s heart

My earliest memory as a child was when my mom and dad said their “I do’s”. I profoundly remember the kiss, I was a year old. My dad’s late sister blinded me by placing her hand over my eyes. As we all know in that day and age we weren’t allowed to see any kind of love sharing methods.

My actual focus, content and purpose behind this blog is to vocalize all the “present” belonging, love, support, happiness, family and health spiralling into the “un”- present(absence) of every feeling, expectancy and state I previously mentioned.

From a healthy, privileged, academic and happy teenager into a single adolescent mom and drug stricken addict.

This will be my first entry into my blog, which will encompass everything from my teenage years to adulthood. No sugar, no spice and nothing nice even though I would love to give you words of inspiration or motivation, however this blog is almost captured in “real-time”, me remembering every pain staking memory, besides no two people walk the same life, no two people come from the same dynamics. We might end up in the same place, but we have never walked the same path, similar but not the same.

The end in mind for this blog is to reveal my truth, my life and drug addiction at its worst.

I have since relocated, met someone, had 2 boys after my daughter, became an Analyst, been baptized and got married.

Story of my life, this is my testimony

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We are Women (Poem)

Do you hear that voice inside?

The one rumbling through your core?

Do you listen to that voice inside?

That voice is yours

The threatened whispers,

The cornered anger,

That undying voice, that voice is yours

No one listens, no one sees,

All that it wants, is for you to be appeased.

The rumbling roar, the echo of your voice speaks out loud

The distinctive, unique and troubling sound.

Where are your words, your lips are not moving,

How do we allow society to do the choosing?

We are women, uniquely and fearfully made,

We are women, the one’s with passion,

Nurturing love and exuberant compassion.

Where are our voices, loud and clear?

Let’s lift our voices, without the fear.

We are women renounced from our voices,

We need to regain,

Those cooped up voices, we need to retain.

We need to bounce back from our poor historical choices,

Let’s lift each other’s voices.

Let’s stand in line,

I am your voice and you are mine.

– By Monique Williams

 

 

Comfortably Uncomfortable (Live your purpose)

We have been so accustomed to society’s mainstream formula of success. It is the age old success engine starting from going to school(including tertiary), attaining good grades, graduating and landing a high paying job, meaning you earn good money to provide for your family and what we do not realise is that the goal of this world renowned formula to obtain success is survival, i.e.. making just enough to get by.

Nowhere in this practiced “success” formula does it encourage anyone to pursue a career that we love and has great meaning to us as people of purpose. A career that sets your soul on fire and allows that passion and love to burn inside your being.

People with purpose need the opportunity to make such a profound impact on other’s lives and feel that warmth of complete fulfilment, creating a legacy that will give you satisfaction and sense of belonging. Always having something different and out of the ordinary to achieve the extra-ordinary.

I hate repetition of a task. I love new things. I try and expose myself to the uncomfortable situations or tasks… this sometimes means that you need to swallow your pride, find your passion, do what you love. You don’t need to be vocal or a great author to express your love for something. People that are like minded will notice your silence through all of the noise.

Do you ever feel like your dreams are crazy? Are you afraid of judgement, or your loved ones are not supporting what you want to do and who you want to be in the world?

Many of us struggle with finding and living our purpose. I did for years and still am, it was and is one of the most frustrating and painful times of my life.

As far back as I can remember I dreamed of helping others. I wanted to be a role model to troubled teenagers, a guidance counsellor to help them comprehend and maximise their potential. I was often the person my friends sought advice from when they needed help in their own lives. It felt natural to give advice and help others feel good, even though I was struggling to find my purpose.

Then life happened. I did what I thought I had to do to get by. I decided to start working, I would like to think that I have had a very successful career, working my way up the corporate ladder. I loved training, developing, and mentoring others in the aspects other than work and I was really good at it. But helping others was only part of my job. There were many other aspects of my career I learned to be good at, that I didn’t feel good about doing. I mastered those other things because that’s what I thought I had to do to have a successful career. For lack of a better way to put it, it felt yucky.

I was only living part of my purpose. I settled because that’s what I thought I had to do to survive.

I am hoping that someday soon when I leave the current career that I am in to focus on life coaching and mentoring full time which I know is exactly where I am meant to be.

I know I would then fully step into my purpose, what I was born to do.

You are born with a unique blueprint. You have natural talent and abilities that only YOU can offer. These are the things you’re passionate about that light you up inside. Whatever this is for you…this is your purpose.

Think about it. Do you have a career that you’re good at because you learned to be and you thought that’s what you had to do?

Have you fully stepped into your purpose?

My answer to question one is “Yes” and “No” to the second question.

It took me a long time to figure this out, and for a long time I felt alone. I didn’t know where to go for support and guidance.

I have however taken steps to slowly but surely fulfil my purpose.

I’ve shared my story to let you know that you’re meant to enjoy what you do in every area of your life.

Your career can and should reflect who you are in work and in life. That’s when you know you are where you are meant to be.

“People with Potential have Purpose”

– Monique Williams

Pace your Race

So, how many of us have looked at friends, family members and even strangers who are our age and compared our lives to theirs? According to your thought process, you felt these people were doing much better than you because of what they own e.g car, size of their house and the money that they earn based on what you perceive as true.

How often do we actually really know what is happening in these people’s lives other than what they post on social media or even tell people? Secondly, how is this any of your business?

Automatically, some of us adjust our plan in our heads to force fate to go the way we want it to go. When I look back to a few years ago, I know I am guilty of it, many times, where envy was more of my drive other than my passion.

My first mistake was to allow society to determine to me what I should have, when I should have it and how much I should be earning to trump my perceived competition. Not knowing, that I was my own competition, I created someone I did not recognize as jealousy and envy blinded me.

I lost a lot of money in a business I was very optimistic about, but did not thoroughly think through. I did not have a sound business plan and I was throwing money away by living off hunches and most of all trusting people I did not know from a bar of soap.

I have thus far learnt, as much of an impatient person as I am, that me setting my REALISTIC goals to achieve MY ambitions, vision and purpose was a more fruitful and lucrative exercise.

Not all of us achieve things in the time society predicts to us when we should. We are too brainwashed by the misconception of what success is. Success is not just making and having a lot of money, owning a house that the bank still owns or even driving a car that cost us just as much as the house we live in.

Success is being obedient, disciplined and realistic about future plans. Yes, future plans, as that is the detail your business/life plan should contain. It is also being happy and passionate about what you want to achieve, how and when. It is being dedicated and stern when you need to be, as your life/business is exactly that, your business. If there are hindrances holding you back from achieving these set goals, you need to break that chain. It is unnecessary baggage for someone who has put their heart and soul into pushing and persevering to accomplish their dreams.

There are sometimes natural hindrances that will hold us back, for good reason. Refer to my blog post Love the Voice within. Intuition is key, do not allow the unnatural or self inflicted hindrances be the cause of your own demise.

Comparison is your worst enemy. It only causes you to lose focus of what is in actual fact of utmost importance to your future. Taking your eye off your race gives opportunity for you to fall/trip over a pothole, losing your balance/breaking your leg and will now become a hindrance because you have lost time and will not achieve what YOU want to in the intended time that you planned.

Listen outside the noise, you might just enjoy the peace

– Monique Williams

She gave me more than just meaning

I hate ending a post on a negative note, it allows too much dark feelings and even though that is essentially what it felt like, I always found reason to have that little bit of hope and faith inside of me. A voice screaming inside my soul, and for some or other reason I knew God had something much bigger and greater in store for me.

My love and dedication towards and for my daughter, had superseded my depression far beyond my imagination and even though I had harsh feelings towards her dad, I never let it get in the way of him seeing his daughter. That was not a relationship I intentionally wanted to tarnish as I knew what it was to grow up without a dad, whether it was out of my control or not, the repercussions thereof would cause much more damage than I could fathom at the time.

As I mentioned, Shay-Leigh was a colic baby, but there was this one song of Tamia that I always use to sing and loved, she grew to love it too. Every time I would sing this song, she would just stare at me with those big blue eyes and I could feel myself developing a silly grin on my face just looking at her.

It was as if I could see the endless of ocean of hope in those blue eyes. I felt no regret about how my life had transpired then, I knew my actions caused a hindrance, but no regret.

My hustle started back then, I started selling drugs (Crystal Meth aka Tik) in Blackheath to ensure my daughter had her daily milk, diapers and any additional needs I had to see to. Where did I get the money? I borrowed it from someone and paid it back in full within 3 days.

My cash at hand by the end of the week would total to R2500 per week, as I started out small. From there business grew, my weekly cash total would be anything between R4000 – R5500, people got greedy for drugs and my family members started taking advantage of the fact that drugs was flowing freely and felt entitled to me providing them with it, without paying of course.

From here, things got out of hand and I saw how it started swallowing them whole, right in front of me.

Even though I was selling the drugs, I refused to touch it, as I knew it would escalate to something I know I would never have control over, considering my past.

My past quickly became my future.

 

If it is not your story to share, then don’t give it your voice

I do not share in the “enjoyable pass time” activity known as gossip/rumours and he said, she said stories, especially if it is not my story to share.

Gossip or rumours does not necessarily have to be something negative, it can be about someone else’s “yet to be” accomplishments too. Why share it? Why give someone else’s story your voice? Do you not feel that if that person wanted the entire world to know, they would have broadcasted it on the media platforms?

I have always maintained that “If the story is not yours to share, then don’t give it your voice.”

My daughter came home one afternoon, telling me about the misconduct of a student that was caught and this and that person said 1 2 3 4………..I immediately stopped her and said, “please do not pass on the story or talk about it to anyone” and continued by saying, “if it is not your story to share then don’t share it.”

The reason for me sticking to this motto for the last 10 years of my life was because I have witnessed the repercussions that have lead to someone getting seriously hurt, which could have been prevented had we kept to ourselves and minded our own business.

The sharing in “almost” positive news can also be detriment to someone’s success as not everyone is happy when someone is almost making it, even if the person is you. You are preventing the blessings from flowing through. If a person who shared the “almost” good news with you, entrusted you with the information and confided in you to share in their happiness and prosperity and even though you are happy for that person, does not mean the next person will feel the same. This good news of someone else’s success is NOT YOUR STORY TO SHARE……..don’t share it.

Most people pretend to be happy for you, that pretentious demeanour is harmful to our successes. Read James 3, it speaks about Controlling the tongue and how poisonous our words are that we sometimes so innocently utter or speak to cause intentional harm.

The bitterness and jealousy is draining and the gossiping can corrupt even your own potential as that jealousy and evil becomes your focus point, you tend to lose sight of yourself, what your hopes and dreams are because you are so dead set on destroying someone else’s.

The ripple effect of passing on a story, good or bad has it’s ebb and flow. Decide who you want to be and not be that of what someone else perceives you to be.

The first and only question you should ask yourself when that “misery likes company” engaging discussion comes about, is, “why do they feel so comfortable talking to me about it?” So either the person sharing the news with you trusts you or the person who is gossiping with you knows that you enjoy rumours and gossip.

Which one are you?

If it is not your story to share, then don’t give it your voice

Monique Williams

The Present in her Presence

I was discharged from Tygerberg Hospital 2 days after I gave birth to my blue eyed princess.

I was quite angered in my heart as I had to take a taxi home from Tygerberg Hospital to our home in Blackheath. I at least expected a family member to collect us from hospital and take us home. We had no support structure from any family or friends and I felt alone and abandoned. I remembered something my dad told me, “don’t expect anything from anyone, that way you avoid disappointment.” Seemed as if I was a sucker for it every single time, not sure if I was a sucker for expectation or the disappointment.

I informed Christo, Shay-Leigh’s dad, that I gave birth to a baby girl and what her name was. I never heard back from him until a few weeks after her birth. Christo and his mom rocked up at our place one Saturday afternoon. His mom conveys how disappointed her son was about not being involved in the choosing of our daughter’s name. In my head I asked myself “why?”

Christo had no interest in our daughter from the time I told him I am pregnant, why would I give him the privilege of naming her.

I allowed him to have a relationship with her from the time she was born as being vindictive about keeping his daughter away from him was not my nature. The little that I received from him to feed and diaper our daughter was not even enough to last a week.

He would visit Shay-Leigh every 3 months, so in between I had to hustle to clothe, feed and diaper our daughter. Alone was an understatement about how I actually felt. Being a single 20 year old first time mother was hard and I received no assistance from mine.

Shay-Leigh became a colic baby when she was 3 months old. She would cry whole night from 6pm in the evening to 6am the next morning and even though my mother was there, she would not take Shay-Leigh from me, she wouldn’t help with anything.

I became depressed, cried all the time and my mother avoided interacting with us like the plague.

I suffered from postnatal depression where there were times Shay-Leigh would cry non-stop and I would feel this agitation, so much so, I felt like hurting her because she wouldn’t stop crying. I felt anxious, hopeless, tired, no appetite and guilt, day in and day out. It was such an overwhelming feeling that I would sometimes think about hurting myself. I never acted on any of this even though the feeling was so strong, I believe that God helped through it somehow.

I only found out later on, when Shay-Leigh was over a year old that I was suffering from postnatal depression and because of my mother’s disinterest, she never saw the signs.

Through one of the most difficult time in my life, God saw me through so many times and I was blinded to not see it.

His grace, mercy and faithfulness made me see that He was and is always enough for me.

Love The Voice Within

Have you ever had that feeling deep down in your gut when you realise that “you are right.” That intuition side of you as if someone is speaking to your heart.

Most people ignore that voice and some of us always listen, specifically because it never disappointed us or proved us wrong.

That unfamiliar voice is “yours”, trying to find that deep sense of knowing where it belongs. We often second guess, become afraid of that voice we hear within our soul, doubting our capabilities and the enormous futuristic visions we consistently have.

Young girls create complexes about themselves based on what other’s have to say. Let me teach you something that I had to learn the hard way, you allow those people to have power over “you”, controlling your actions, reactions, how you dress, what you say, who you speak to, who you are friends with, they practically control your entire being.

Let me re-iterate what you already know. No one’s voice matters more than your own and the more you listen to your inner whispers, blocking out the outer screams, the more you will learn to respect and love yourself. You are differently “you” for a reason, uniquely so, to give the world a magnitude of diverse versatility, adding a splash of “you”(hue).

Your hopes, dreams and desires within your heart is exactly that, “YOURS.” For you to accomplish, what other’s see as impossible, is your journey and it is yours to achieve, no one else’s. Never neglect or reject the thoughts and goals of the dynamic “you.”

Let your voice lead you to a point of victory so you can teach and help others reach that victory too, a ripple effect, creating generations of leading victorious women.

Be yourself and stay unique. Your perfect imperfections make you beautiful, lovable and valuable. It shows your personality.

Love who “you” are, Love The Voice Within.

Love the voice within and it will lead you to a journey amongst the stars

  Monique Williams