My pregnancy was an emotional rollercoaster. I found myself crying most of the time and throughout Chris was completely “un”– present, even after my attempt to win him back that day I went to see him, without his knowledge of my intent. Even after the confirmation that the baby was not a result of the rape, I was pregnant a month before the incident.
During this time, my mother could no longer keep up with the rental payments for the house in Parow, actually no, she never made any rental payments for a good couple of months. I was always responsible for buying groceries for the month from the menial salary I was earning at Virgin Active, Tygervalley at the time. For a family of five, it was almost impossible to ensure that the food supply was enough, considering that my brothers were growing teens/adolescents.
This was the time the questions started arising such as, “so does this mean there is no more money left?” And also, “where is the money going to that my mother gets every month?”
My dad ensured, before he passed, that we were set for life. So, besides the 7 or 8 life policies he had, he also had some kind of pension fund with Telkom(he worked for them for almost 20 years), that would pay my mother half of his salary every month until she remarried or passed on. Over and above this, she would also receive an increase and a bonus(like a 13th cheque) every year.
I never asked the question, the one question every body was hoping would be answered without uttering a word. I think I was too afraid of what the answer would be and also because I hate becoming confrontational, especially with my mother, as a matter of fact, I hate being confrontational with anyone as it is just not my nature.
My mother did not know I was pregnant, until our car broke down and I had to help her remove and strip the Skyline’s gearbox(not an easy job). My mother and I lifted the gearbox and my t-shirt somehow lifted above my stomach and she noticed my stomach. She didn’t say anything, but I had a feeling that she knew. I’m sure knew way before then. Anyway, so we put the gearbox back after replacing the gear synchronizer and pretended like nothing happened.
After the owner, of the house in Parow, evicted us from there, we had less than a month to find a place. We eventually found a place in Ambleside, Blackheath after our long tedious search. We moved in there in a matter of days. My mom then started speaking very openly about my pregnancy, which was an absolute relief, considering the amount of emotions I was experiencing on a daily basis, I did not need that additional stress of resentment and disgust.
As the time drew closer to the birth day of my unborn child, I became more anxious, scared and began questioning my capabilities of becoming a good mother, being able to provide for my child and whether I was even ready for the “un”– known.
I was ashamed, embarrassed and began isolating myself to avoid judgement of others.
Again, I felt lost.