There is a saying that goes something like this:
“It is easier to build confident children than to repair broken adults.”
How profound and blatantly honest are those words and it can become such an expensive lesson that some of us will come to learn and experience way too late.
So, just recently I have gone and still going through some challenges in my marriage, which had me in a moment of suicide on two occasions, which lead me to a decision to move out…..this was supposed to happen yesterday. And, no I do not feel that uou shoukd remain in a relationship if you have suicidal thoughts. I, on the other hand do think that my emotions are mostly linked to my mom practically abandoning my brothers and I at a very young age, also the emotional manipulation which became a very dominant contributing factor to my fear of neglection rejection.
Rethinking this logically and practically, it would not make sense, for the obvious reason that it would cost me my family, tearing the kids apart psychologically and emotionally and the resentment factor that would come from both my husband and I.
I have come to the realization (yes, after mannnnnyy years) that my silence is costing me enjoying my life, my stance on matters and most importantly my true self, not to mention my espousal, my commitment to the man I vowed that I would “ride or die.” Somehow, my wake up call only wakes me when it gets to that crucial stage (well, that is how I go about dealing with confrontation or antagonism….not sure about everyone else).
Something between myself and my husband was just not “clicking.” It was not always this way, but I will reveal those details in a future blog post.
Continuous fights regarding insignificant things, to me; and much more significant to him. The worst part is that I have been struggling to communicate with him; and this has been the case for years. So here is my question…….Is it only me?
Our fights, ok, maybe I shouldn’t say “our” fights, as he is always very vocal and direct, where I, on the other hand……I withdraw myself from everything, emotionally, mentally and physically; and then……. I manifest complete silence. This is no intentional disrespect towards him, or that I don’t feel anything for him (well that would be impossible, we are married). It is more of a defence mechanism, I shut down, remain silent (no it’s not the “silent treatment”), but more me trying to avoid saying some things out of anger. I despise hurting people’s feelings and prefer keeping the peace.
My emotional outcome of the argument are normally tears, as him, being dominantly vocal, he says hurtful things out of anger (no, that is no excuse to say hurtful things); and I have almost come to accept it, that it is just the way he is, which I should never have done from the beginning.
So let’s use ridicule as an example:
If this is the base of the argument, I start thinking, “he doesn’t love me anymore, he always finds fault with everything I do, why is he always “lecturing” me if things are not done like he wants it?”….you catch my drift?! So what are the “side effects” of this? I automatically (once I have calmed down) start thinking that there is something wrong with me, that it’s my fault and start questioning my intellect (see where I’m coming from? Childhood trauma).
His persona is as dominant and intimidating as my dad’s and I start to feel like it is a “lecture”. Me, being the child of course, with my face soaked in tears and him verbalising his thoughts with a very stern and aggressive tone. This has also been done for years, so even after he changed his approach and started speaking to me more subtly, there was and is still no verbal response from me, because of the treatment from the beginning.
I do believe that no matter the situation, good or bad, the parties involved in the situation has a hand in what transpires from it. Whether your hand in it was only 0,0005%, the crucial point is that you have contributed to the situation, so take responsibility for it.
The expectations we have from the other party, is exactly that, “an expectation”; and the onus will lie with the other party as to whether or not they want to fulfil that expectation; and the same would go for you. We hardly ever embrace the, “what if the tables were turned” question, but when you are asking that question, you expect that person to respond unbiasedly……you know where I am going with this.
My post is about Emotional abuse and Projection of childhood trauma. However, opposite genders, sometimes don’t realise that they are doing it and it will not hurt to bring to light the very thing, we, as women literally lose our minds about. It is normally because the person was raised in a similar environment or exposed to it.
Know this, IT IS NOT YOU!
I have actually come to learn a few things, doing more in depth research on “why men come from Mars and women from Venus.” We are always speaking passed one another, our thought processes are from completely different planets (clearly). If I had to suggest to my husband, “let’s go for a walk”…….To me it means, let’s spend some time together, hold hands, get some ice-cream and sit on a park bench. To him it simply means, “let’s go for a walk.” However, he would not pose it as a question and instead make a statement, saying ……..“I’m going for a walk.” I would automatically start thinking, “why isn’t he asking me to join him? Does he not enjoy spending time with me? I always ask him!? Did I do something wrong? Is he just trying to get away from me?” (Probably the reason why most men think we are psychos – blame it on the emotions – we link emotion first before anything else, where males link emotions last).
The answer is actually very obvious and also not very obvious: Gender
There is unfortunately no cure for the “un”- present “couples language.” It is the way it is because of how different male children are raised compared to female children. Cultural upbringing, from the time you are an infant to adulthood plays a very profound role in shaping our brains and most predominantly, shaping it in a gendered way. One of God’s sprinkled individuality dust 🙂 Why do I say this? Opposite gender babies brains are identical (depending on whether the mother consumed alcohol, recreational drugs etc..) However, as the opposite genders grow older, their brains are altered based on the gender, as they learn pattern of behaviour that engenders them acceptable males and females.
Did you know?
- Mother’s talk more to their new-born daughters than their new-born sons
- Female children are more likely to seek connection and experience emotion because of the above where,
- Males on the other hand seek factual events, past experiences and then only will they evaluate the emotions that come along with the event
- Cultural upbringing has a huge impact on the fact that men are driven by status, competition, power, independence where,
- Women are more likely to characterize intimacy, sharing personal information (irrefutably, birth stories is always the topic of discussion), friendship, sameness…..the list is endless
So what are we as men and women doing wrong? Simple………
We avoid obtaining and learning about what doesn’t correspond with our gender
and then what happens?
Men slip into “Mars” and Women into “Venus” (literally and figuratively)
Opposite genders have been raised with different motivation of connection and status, therefore opposite sexes interpret the exact same event or situation completely differently. This is because of the lack of knowledge and realization; and also a massive contributor towards the opposite sexes passing judgement on one another, purely based on their own gender standards.
This, however, is not grounds for being hurt and scarred. If your partner is open and accepting of going to counselling with you to work through and resolve the demon that irks you, then your marriage is already on the road of recovery.
My husband and I did not go through the pre-marriage counselling, which I regret. This is vital, especially when making a life long commitment before God……Try before giving up. Vows is an oath, a promise you make before God and one another. Make sure your “better or for worse” is precisely that.
(If your partner is not willing to attend counselling with you for emotional abuse, then there is no point in remaining in the relationship)
(Please do not remain in a physical or sexual abusive relationship. You become a volunteer to the abuse after the first time he/she violates you)
“We all have our scars that are triumphantly the beauty we try to hide” – Monique Williams