This post was meant to be published at 3pm yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately, I did not schedule it (sigh). “Where was my head?”
So, here is some food for thought.
Ask yourself this question:
What takes precedence in your life? Mine? In an ideal world, it would be God, kids, my partner and then my career, in every aspect, condition, relationship and above all, time and tense.
My world, however, was not even a drop of “perfect” or “ideal” for that matter.
Let’s be realistic…..
My journey has not taken on this perfect example of ranking life’s hierarchical requirements in order of priority. My life circumstances was much different. I knew there would be instances where family could do without me, however, my insecurity had made me lean more towards me not leaving them behind, because of the fear to flourish on my own without them, which created the mindset of, “They cannot do without me.” I would rather choose to be there, than be “un”-present, allowing no room for error or them being disappointed with me in leaving them behind.
We sometimes choose people, self preservation circumstances, career/work, partners and money over what should logically take precedence.
I have taken away from “me” all my life, by always worrying and having to turn back for my siblings, carrying them along, once things go well for me, personally, professionally and financially. I always felt I had to carry the responsibility and the sense of obligation to do so, holding me back from enjoying what I created for myself with God’s mercy and grace. I did not realize that there was one other aspect I should have taken into consideration, unequivocally nurtured and blossomed, my spiritual growth, which was “un”-present.
I also did not realize, that every time I turned back, I missed career opportunities, a healthy lifestyle and most of all discovering who “Monique” really was. My circumstances hindered my progress; and what I know and simply quite aware of, is that I am knowledgeable, intelligent, a hard worker and always pushed myself to persevere in all avenues of my life.
What I have just shared with you, is a very recent epiphany, one which was given to me by God, in a form of a premonition/dream, which I will share with you.
I awoke, due to me hearing myself cry on Saturday morning, 26th August 2017. I had a dream that we,(my brothers, cousins and other family members) decided to build a self made pool, with waves (not exactly sure how we accomplished that), enjoying the water, swimming the waves, laughing and diving. In that moment of enjoyment, worry and fear settled in; and my first words to my family members were, “where is Orrin and Tyrell(my brothers).” Everyone starts frantically diving and searching for them, someone pulls Tyrell up from under the water, however, no one finds Orrin; and panic jerks my heart.
The weird thing is, everyone was able to lift the pool from the ground, even though we dug a whole to make the pool.
Orrin was lying in the middle, in a fetal position and I sobbed so loud, waking myself.
At first, I was anxious, restless and driving myself up the wall with worry, wondering if Orrin is okay. Then, I examined the premonition more in detail and what God was trying to tell me.
Prior to me going deeper into the meaning of my dream, I called everyone like crazy to just make sure he is okay.
This dream wasn’t about Orrin, it was about me, always turning back when things go well when focusing on prospering me. Carrying the load for everyone else, making it my responsibility to ensure that they are okay, happens by default; and I know no other way.
The waves represented the trials and tribulations I always had to face, for myself and them, as I always protected them from having to deal or be confronted with heartache, financial instability and resolving problems.
This revealed an unhealthy and an imbalance in my life, as I was taking away from my relationship with my kids, husband and even the prosperity of my career.
In knowing this, I knew that healing and focusing on that part of me, was so much more important, as it would educate me to deal with one load at a time; and in moderation, helping me deal with the baggage I have been carrying all these years; and also assisting me in dealing with my current challenges.
I find it amazing how God speaks through my dreams, to stop; and show me how I am inflicting self harm and giving me the answer as to what I need to do without actually giving me the answer.
He is amazing!!!!!