“We are still young and enjoying life” was my justification to party day and night.
From work I would go home, nap for an hour, “do” my hair, call a very good friend of mine (always only had 1 good female friend, trying to avoid problems amongst too many females, that was almost always unnecessary), discuss the plans for the evening, pick her up and we would begin our drinking “session” prior to our planned destination.
We were able to handle our alcohol, not something I’m proud of today, however, back then, it seemed like quite such an accomplishment.
As my life choices were leading me to the Bermuda triangle, I saw nothing wrong with how I was conducting myself and the ignorance I conveyed to the rest of the world.
At this point, I got involved with a man that was “head over heels” in love with me, at least this is what I thought; months later, he started emotionally abusing me and one year later the physical and sexual abuse began. Unbearable, is an understatement, once it became “normal”, I would most times, just lay there, almost emotionless, begging God to just let him kill me. He would strangle me until I lost consciousness, punch me in my stomach so many times, that I would be unable to breathe, the worst part of it all is that I did not and have not told a single soul, not even my husband. This man hurt me in a very strategic manner, in a way that he left no bruises on my body, however, nothing compares to the emotional trauma I experienced.
I had a guy friend over one afternoon, someone I attended school with; and the man I was involved with, walked in. He called me to my room, closed the door, while my friend was there, began slapping me and my friend heard how I fell against the cupboards and door. My friend calmly walked in, drew his firearm from the back of his jeans; and said, “leave, before I kill you; and if I see you here again, be prepared to die.”
My friend, who does not want to be named, was there because God sent him “that day,” prior to “that day,” I saw my friend for the first time after 5 years; and he decided to call me “that day” to pop in and say hi.
This event did not define me afterwards, however, it played with my mind, so much so, that every other relationship I got into, attracted the same kind of man every single time.
I started mentally running from my reality and started substituting my emptiness with drugs. The attraction to the wrong people grew deeper and deeper and I became blind to my reality because I needed my fix.
We make choices, either by intent or the contrary, mine was obvious, as a mistake is only that if it is not repeated.
I made my bed and I had to lie in it, over and over again.