It has been 10 days since my last confession, as I have been quite ill.
So, I am sure most have encountered or witnessed a “Rags to Riches” event, either in their own or someone else’s life.
Well, this one was not, “From riches to rags” was more like it; and highly doubt that anyone would ever idiom or a reference to an almost “perfect” life that could have been possibly lived, whoever would want that to be a. This is literally where my life was, the middle ground of riches and rags.
We moved quite often, so much so, that it became our way of life, trying to find the next best thing. How could we expect that to happen, when the way in which we were living idolizing materialistic objects and chasing the wrong dream, with the wrong company, in the wrong places and for the wrong reasons?
From Bellhome Street, after selling the house, we moved back to Select Crescent² and from there to Stellenbosch. Here things became a bit more disciplined, but only for a short while. The unending parties, nights out and drinking continued, to a point where our house now became the “go to” house again.
I took my first ecstasy tablet at the house in Stellenbosch³. A good friend of my mom’s gave me half of what they called at the time, “pink champagne.” Me, not knowing what the effects should be, was restless and fidgety, asking my mom’s friend every 5 minutes, “what is supposed to happen? I don’t feel anything,” not realizing the restlessness and fidgeting was one of the effects. She then advised me to get into a warm bath then get under the blankets. She said, “Your rush should kick in then.”
This was a start of something that turned everything I did, from calm to chaos.
From Stellenbosch, we moved back to our family home in Highbury, Kuils River. Later on I met people who had a continuous flow of drugs available to them, like they had a factory shop in their back pocket. “The law of attraction” is quite scary, as this did not just apply to positive occurrences, but negative too. I was at that stage, very vulnerable, naïve, rebellious and more susceptible to “hanging” with the “bad boys.” I somehow always got myself caught up in the wrong crowd (especially men), they turn out to be disrespectful, abusive, but they would protect you if any threats or harm were intended. I felt safe, like they cared and that my safety and presence was valued. Little did I know, when looking back, they enjoyed being feared and were more so driven by their ego and sense of superiority and these attributes were inflicted on me too, with no realization that this was the case?
I would go to the club every week, from Wednesday to Sunday, knowing that these friends will rock up there after 1am and was somehow always my expectation, hoping they would arrive and that I was that “important” to them, hence them always pitching up there. I felt a sense of belonging and acceptance, no matter my achievements.
In retrospect, that actually was not the reality. The reality was that I fell victim to the very thing I witnessed my mom go through with my dad, the lying, cheating and became a submissive and accepted the disrespect and ill-treatment from men.
Why? Well remember in my blog post, “Until death do us part,” how submissively my mom accepted the treatment she got from my dad and almost gave in to her own values and self-worth? The treatment became so “normalized” to my mom, so much that she remained in that circumstance and kept us there too; and I then accepted the treatment as “normal,” as a child into adulthood.
Choosing the wrong friends was also a childhood experienced ripple effect. It was happening right in front of me, in my own home, by the one person who had more cognitive and authority than me, my mom.
Do you now understand why I am always hounding on the influence of parents actions? It sometimes becomes exposed unintentionally and the impact of an influence can become detrimental to your child’s choices and will determine the longevity of how successful your child’s life will be in the future.
Yes, I understand that sometimes there are things and experiences that are unpreventable, but do not repeat the acceptance of a “sorry, it won’t happen again” if you know that unaccepted treatment has repeated itself.
“Don’t say sorry and expect it to be accepted if you intend on doing the same thing again”