I was the eldest of 3 children; so I always felt like there was an expectation and drive not to fail him, at least that is what I assumed, was his expectation. The position and “guilt like” feeling pushed me to try and keep my family afloat; well at least my brothers and I. This is no indication that I am implying that my mother was a “bad mom,” not at all. She was present in our childhood, made the clowns with cones and marie biscuits for birthdays, made sure I had what I needed for pageants, although I hated modelling, she always entered me into these competitions, my brothers too got what was required, but this was only up until my dad’s passing.
Yes, she got us anything we wanted, however, I felt like she was compensating by giving us what we wanted and neglected what we needed, her.
Remember when I mentioned in a previous blog post how she shouted, when the paulbearers carried my dad’s coffin out of our home after the viewing; and how I literally felt like they lowered my mom along with my dad into that hole; she died with him that day.
My mom and dad were together for 11 years prior to them getting married, he was the only man she ever knew, intimately, emotionally, mentally and physically. I dont blame her for the way she felt, after all she still loved him and was in no way, at that time, capable of loving anyone else. This was the only reasonable and probably true explanation as to why she distanced herself from us without her even realising it.
It started off with not cooking, to parties every weekend, to late night clubbing, to sleeping out at her friends places; and from there everything went south. Don’t get me wrong, I was part of the partying at home and when i turned 16, it evolved into clubbing with my mom, then drinking with her; and my friends became her friends and visa versa. Then she started showing interest in guys; and we, her children were asked not to call her “mommy” infront of whoever she was with at the time; and had to refer to her as my “sister.” That for me, was a message of denial, rejection and embarassment. I was 16, what else was i supposed to think. I didn’t feel okay about it, and the fact that my mom did,made me feel even more “not okay.” My mom was more concerned about the fact that they would do the math when it came to her age, in the event they discover that I am her daughter, more so, than the concern of how it affected me emotionally and psychologically.
I am a mom of 3; of which I became a mother for the first time at the same age my mom was when she had me. I could not imagine or even have the heart to put my children through the same experience. On the other hand, I feel this way because it was an unpleasant experience for me and did not want them to feel the way I did; and on the flip side of that coin, I could have used that negative experience and allow it to filter down to my children, dishing out what I was dealt, thank God I took a different approach, because history would have reared it’s ugly face and repeated itself. God had a hand in my appoach and it is “one” of the times I knew He was always with me through it all.
I will refrain from elaborating more on my mom’s life, as I do not feel that it is my story to share. I will however mention all the events that affected me, both positively and negatively.