The void, emptiness and “un”- present love was deeply felt. He went fishing with his brothers that weekend at Langebaan, he noticed that two girls, together with his brother were in trouble and practically drowning, dived in from where he was standing, saved the two girls and lastly went for his brother, pushed him out and saved his life too. By that time I am sure he was tired of swimming against the current. They found his body 20 minutes later, next to the shipwreck.
Remember in my previous post I mentioned that I went in complete mannequin mode and felt like I left earth for a brief time? Would you believe me if I told you that at that exact time my dad was busy drowning?
They found him with his brother’s neck chain still clenched in his hand. All that was brought home of him, was his ring and wallet.
The almost eerie part of it all is that my mom had this exact dream a year prior to my dad’s passing.
My mom and brothers went to view his body that day, I refused to go along. After they left, I remember taking his leather jacket from his cupboard, even that hurt, smelling “him” in the room with me. I went to the rocking chair where he loved to sit, curled myself up small enough to fit, and closed myself with his leather jacket and cried, with his jacket pressed up against my nose, so hard it felt as if he was in the room with me.
My closure happens at funerals, not in the morgue. The last thing I wanted, was to see his helpless body lying there because he was everything but helpless. I saw him as a strong, confident and motivated individual, not a man that couldn’t save himself; and I felt that if I went with my family that day, I would not have had the same portrayed image of him as he made everyone believe he was.
The day of his funeral was probably the worst. Hearing my mom scream, “his mine, you can’t take him, his mine”, as they carried his coffin from our living room to the hearse.
We get to the church, it is packed to the brim, so much people that they had to put chairs on the outside of the church as well, yet it was still not enough.The time came for me to say my goodbyes, my eyes filled up with so many tears, and it blurred my vision while looking at his face.
I remember nothing thereafter; and the only memory I have, is when we left to the outside of the church.
And then, the hearse didn’t want to start….we start laughing, as my dad always use to take his own time getting up in the morning, bathing, getting ready for work, so much so that his lift (a good friend of my dad) to work use to wait for him every morning; and my mom always use to tell him, “you are still going to be late for your own funeral.”I guess he proved my mom right for once, after all the years, he actually let her win.
The rest of the memories of that day are blocked and no matter how hard I try to remember, it just does not come back.
Here my battle with confrontation, conflict resolution, abusive relationships & insecurity begins as I journey as a conflicted teen, trying to establish my place.
I start dealing with unpleasant and “un”-present memories by escaping my reality in an unhealthy manner.
My struggle with “me” takes over and everything starts uncontrollably spiraling down.
My stories are here to speak to adolescents and adults, who sometimes feel like they are alone in this world, fighting addiction, abuse, single motherhood, absent parental guidance, love and support structure.
Love The “Un”- Present will give you insight to the inside matters of my heart and mind, which has endured brokenness, abuse(physical, mental & emotional), insecurity, love, motherhood, conflict, financial constraints, being a victim of adultery, marriage, finding myself, unplanned career direction, friendships, intimate relationships and finding God(in no order of event dates).
This is where I pour out my heart to those that need and those who might know somebody who does.
This is my path and truth, but most importantly, my testimony.
takes over and everything starts uncontrollably spiraling down.